A year full of uncertainities
Six years ago, I graduated in one of the prestigious school of Nursing in the Philippines located in Iloilo. On the same year, after the grueling months of reviewing and listening to boring medical topics,I passed my Nursing Licensure Exam. Finally, I made it, that was I said to myself.
But what's next?
I could vividly remember the euphoria I felt when I got my license on my hand. It's like being a kid handed with a new toy, or a reward after doing a task I could not even remember if it made me happy. It was a nice feeling. As soon as I got it, I become competitive, it's like being at school all over again but the difference was that we're not on school anymore. It's the real adult life-the outside world. Classmates barely keep in touch. It's like hunger games except the killing each other part (sorry for the comparison HG fans). I got my first trainings on Basic Life Support and ECG readings and it all cost me a hefty amount of money. Now that I'm a post grad, I felt like asking money from the parents is too suffocating already but what can a new grad like me can do? It's my ticket to get myself a job. I remember chewing my lips and killing my pride when I asked my brother to finance my trainings which I forever be grateful. Soon enough (barely 4 months after), I just saw myself applying and signing an employement contract from a district hospital nearby our town. The jolly hospital director even asked me when can I start? At the back of my mind, I'm tempted to say Oh shoot! after 3-6 months after I soaked myself on pristine waters of Boracay and binged eating at home while marathoning my favorite American series. Can I? But NAAH, my goody self of me prevails. (Too bad!)
The first time I prepared for my first job was kinda nerve-racking experience because damn, it's like a new born being unleashed to the wilderness. I had my breathing exercises a few times before I got myself to drive to my first day of work. First day of job, I was assigned in OB-Surgical Ward, great! Introduce myself to the staffs and the likes. My first day was kinda funny I'm so vigilant on what to do and keep on asking questions on how to do things and everything (LOL!). I bet the my colleague was about to tell me to chill, I kept on bugging him LOL.
The next few days were a breeze. Little by little I was able to familiarize myself on what to do. All thanks to my co nurses that were all good to me since day 1. But after a few months,my sister got hospitalized and needed an emergency operation which made me (the nurse in the family) be on the hospital to look after her. During that time, I'm so anxious about everything and depressed, it's like I'm a bird trapped on the cage. I was depressed for months because my life shifted 180 degrees. From a city girl, who is used to a certain goal, it was a drastic change since I had no plans. Heck, I even wished for someone to invent a time machine and go back to change my course. Nursing is a very stressful course and job I tell you, you have to be endure 5-25 patients is to 1 nurse ratio which why it could not be possible for us to render our holistic care for each patient (not to mention the demanding folks).
If I can daydream (as I always do) my dream job would be a far-fetched from my reality today. I'm dreaming of sipping a hot choco in a Tuscan sun while reading my favorite book on a nearby cafe of my apartment halfway across the globe. Perhaps on weekdays, I would be biking my way to work as a librarian or a literature apprentince. There is something about me being on a bookstore which calms me that's why I will choose it as my passion of work. The intoxicating smell of old books while flipping it would be my mood stabilizer. After work, I would probably find myself on the grocery or an old native resto or might be heading home if it's a tiring day. On a cold evening, I will settle myself on some hot choco or pancakes after a warm bath and watch netflix. And on weekends, I will be at a university either learning something new that pokes my interest and of course, learning about photography and hanging out with photographers or somewhere in a pastry school doing a short course on baking.
The point is, in my alternate universe everything I want is possible. I could only dream, but I know deep inside it is a sad reality that I can't be where I want me to be. I'm not being ungrateful bitch, in fact, I'm pretty much thankful that I had an opportunity to study. It is just that sometimes, I can't help to think what does it feel to chase your dream? What does it feel to do something that you love and you don't mind the kickbacks just because it's your passion and it gives you a sense of fulfillment? And there is another voice inside me that whispers it might be the will of God. No joke. Sometimes I feel that God is planning something great for me that I can't even fanthom at this point of my life. I might not see it now but one day, not a distant time from now I will be able to realize and figure His purpose for me. I maybe lost now (yep, still lost at 27) and I'm nowhere on seeking my other half or building a family (I'm still building myself) because I need to be love and learn about myself first-- my strength as well as weaknesses. All I could do is pray and trust in Him. I'm not a religious type of person, I often go to church but I know He won't abandon me. And I think it's okay. It's okay to be lost for now. I will it here with one of my favorite bible verse... Jeremiah 29:11-13
P.S: I would like to hear your story too. Please feel free to message me or comment.
xoxo,
Kara
But what's next?
I could vividly remember the euphoria I felt when I got my license on my hand. It's like being a kid handed with a new toy, or a reward after doing a task I could not even remember if it made me happy. It was a nice feeling. As soon as I got it, I become competitive, it's like being at school all over again but the difference was that we're not on school anymore. It's the real adult life-the outside world. Classmates barely keep in touch. It's like hunger games except the killing each other part (sorry for the comparison HG fans). I got my first trainings on Basic Life Support and ECG readings and it all cost me a hefty amount of money. Now that I'm a post grad, I felt like asking money from the parents is too suffocating already but what can a new grad like me can do? It's my ticket to get myself a job. I remember chewing my lips and killing my pride when I asked my brother to finance my trainings which I forever be grateful. Soon enough (barely 4 months after), I just saw myself applying and signing an employement contract from a district hospital nearby our town. The jolly hospital director even asked me when can I start? At the back of my mind, I'm tempted to say Oh shoot! after 3-6 months after I soaked myself on pristine waters of Boracay and binged eating at home while marathoning my favorite American series. Can I? But NAAH, my goody self of me prevails. (Too bad!)
The first time I prepared for my first job was kinda nerve-racking experience because damn, it's like a new born being unleashed to the wilderness. I had my breathing exercises a few times before I got myself to drive to my first day of work. First day of job, I was assigned in OB-Surgical Ward, great! Introduce myself to the staffs and the likes. My first day was kinda funny I'm so vigilant on what to do and keep on asking questions on how to do things and everything (LOL!). I bet the my colleague was about to tell me to chill, I kept on bugging him LOL.
The next few days were a breeze. Little by little I was able to familiarize myself on what to do. All thanks to my co nurses that were all good to me since day 1. But after a few months,my sister got hospitalized and needed an emergency operation which made me (the nurse in the family) be on the hospital to look after her. During that time, I'm so anxious about everything and depressed, it's like I'm a bird trapped on the cage. I was depressed for months because my life shifted 180 degrees. From a city girl, who is used to a certain goal, it was a drastic change since I had no plans. Heck, I even wished for someone to invent a time machine and go back to change my course. Nursing is a very stressful course and job I tell you, you have to be endure 5-25 patients is to 1 nurse ratio which why it could not be possible for us to render our holistic care for each patient (not to mention the demanding folks).
If I can daydream (as I always do) my dream job would be a far-fetched from my reality today. I'm dreaming of sipping a hot choco in a Tuscan sun while reading my favorite book on a nearby cafe of my apartment halfway across the globe. Perhaps on weekdays, I would be biking my way to work as a librarian or a literature apprentince. There is something about me being on a bookstore which calms me that's why I will choose it as my passion of work. The intoxicating smell of old books while flipping it would be my mood stabilizer. After work, I would probably find myself on the grocery or an old native resto or might be heading home if it's a tiring day. On a cold evening, I will settle myself on some hot choco or pancakes after a warm bath and watch netflix. And on weekends, I will be at a university either learning something new that pokes my interest and of course, learning about photography and hanging out with photographers or somewhere in a pastry school doing a short course on baking.
The point is, in my alternate universe everything I want is possible. I could only dream, but I know deep inside it is a sad reality that I can't be where I want me to be. I'm not being ungrateful bitch, in fact, I'm pretty much thankful that I had an opportunity to study. It is just that sometimes, I can't help to think what does it feel to chase your dream? What does it feel to do something that you love and you don't mind the kickbacks just because it's your passion and it gives you a sense of fulfillment? And there is another voice inside me that whispers it might be the will of God. No joke. Sometimes I feel that God is planning something great for me that I can't even fanthom at this point of my life. I might not see it now but one day, not a distant time from now I will be able to realize and figure His purpose for me. I maybe lost now (yep, still lost at 27) and I'm nowhere on seeking my other half or building a family (I'm still building myself) because I need to be love and learn about myself first-- my strength as well as weaknesses. All I could do is pray and trust in Him. I'm not a religious type of person, I often go to church but I know He won't abandon me. And I think it's okay. It's okay to be lost for now. I will it here with one of my favorite bible verse... Jeremiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
P.S: I would like to hear your story too. Please feel free to message me or comment.
xoxo,
Kara
This is one of the best story that i read. Although hindi ako palabasa, and we have the same situation. You express your feeling's in this story. Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, don't lose hope. God is always beside you, through thick and thin.
ReplyDeleteP.S: "Keep your head up, God gives his hardest battles to his Strongest Soldiers."